Climate change super villains

When it comes to climate change, the problems of 7 billion little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, to paraphrase Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.

To think about the climate change situation these days, it might be helpful to think about the usual dire plot from comic books. 

In the comic books, Earth’s existence is threatened on a monthly basis. The planet is menaced by super villains no human being can possibly stop. Only the Avengers or the Justice League of America can defeat them.

So, let’s see -— in the case of climate change, the super villains are all lined up. The Exxon Giant, Dark Shell and Tar Sands Man have joined up with the two-headed Koch Kraken and Mega Mouth Murdoch, plus the Republican Robot Confederacy (who blindly follow the money) to form the Sinister Six (apologies to Marvel Comics for using the Sinister Six name they came up with).  

They’ve arrived on Earth from the Planet Oil Slick to remake Earth into a model of hydrocarbon hell, where carbon gases spew out at an ever increasing pace, destroying our organic food sources. They will then enslave us to work in their industries and produce food made out of plastic, which we will all be forced to eat, or perish.

The Sinister Six threatens to dominate our planet and imprison us on a world with a superheated atmosphere, dried-up rivers and dying, acidified oceans, all of this to burn oil.

The Exxon Giant is drying out the western United States with a hair dryer the size of an Oklahoma pipeline. The Koch Kraken and Tar Sands Man suck dirty oil out of the ground in Canada and are using it to power their giant industrial monster engines, while polluting the atmosphere with more and more carbon dioxide. Dark Shell plans to invade the melting Arctic with its fleet of life-sucking oil drilling platforms, manned by Republican Robots trained by Mega Mouth Murdoch, who keep chanting in a monomaniacal monotone, “Climate change is a hoax. Climate change is a hoax.”

The situation has never been more perilous for us.  What super heroes can we call to save our climate?

Super President Obama, one of our greatest heroes, is faltering under the withering assault of the Sinister Six. 

Plus, the Sinister Six and their multitude of well-paid troops crushed Steyer Man in the last election. Steyer Man has withdrawn to his fortress redoubt in San Francisco. No one has seen or heard from him since Nov. 4.

The Clinton Global Initiative Twins are busy running for president. Maybe they can help, but we won’t know until November 2016!

Gore Guy is a spent force. He was last seen wandering sadly and alone in a forest in New Jersey destroyed by heat-loving southern pine bark beetles.

The Environmental Federation of Heroes is confused, unsure of what to do next as the Koch Kraken stomps all over the landscape trying to wipe out the wind energy tax credit. The Courageous League of Climate Scientists keeps issuing warnings. The ocean is rising. Miami is flooding even during the daytime. Polar bears are drowning because the ice is melting. Rain doesn’t fall anymore — it throws itself down from the clouds in angry bursts. “See what you’ve made me do?” it seems to shout.

So, who is left to stop these sadistic beasts? What about Bloomberg Man? He’s rich, he’s virtuous (mostly) and he knows what we’re up against. He’s so incredibly smart. Light up the Bloomberg Signal from the top of City Hall!

Bloomberg Man, help us! Save us from the Sinister Six!

There he is! He’s coming out of his apartment on the Upper East Side. He’s going to do battle with the evil ones threatening our lives!

Come on, Bloomberg Man! Look, he’s getting into his limo. Where is he going?

Oh no, he’s not going to fight the Sinister Six on climate change! His driver is taking Bloomberg Man to his old media company. How can it be?

He thinks working at his company as CEO again is more important than saving the world. There he goes, off to 59th Street and Lexington, to sit in his little cubicle and plot his corporation’s next move in a fast-changing and complex data-driven world. 

The pathetic humans watch him go off to his office. Who are we going to find to help us now? There he goes. Let’s give him a little wave. Let’s say goodbye to Bloomberg Man. 

Also, say goodbye to wheat. Goodbye, corn. Goodbye, rice. Goodbye, chocolate. Goodbye, real food. We will miss you.

Mike Gold lives and works in the Bronx. Point of view is a column open to all.