Spaghetti for all in 2016

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It’s only April 2015, and already there are tons of people running for president. So, I figure, I may as well announce my own candidacy for our nation’s highest office. I’ll be the only presidential candidate from the Bronx. 

I have already worked out detailed domestic and foreign policy platforms, unlike the other candidates. My campaign slogan is “Guaranteed happiness for all!”

Here goes:

Domestic policy: 

First, once a month, on a Saturday night, the entire nation should sit down at one time for a spaghetti and meatballs dinner (gluten-free pasta and vegetarian meatballs will be served upon request.).  

No one will be allowed to discuss politics. Suggested topics of discussion can include: baseball, cars, trucks, beer and Broadway show tunes. 

Another important part of my platform is giving tax breaks to bowlers. You buy a bowling ball, you go bowling once a week with your friends, you get a tax break.  If you teach your kids to bowl, you get a bigger tax break.

Next, we need to spend more time appreciating squirrels and pigeons. This is an urgent national priority. Citizens should sit in a park one day a month, for one hour, and watch the squirrels and pigeons hunt for food, completely ignoring the human beings in their midst.

Finally, we need to put trees to work. Trees just stand around doing nothing all day. They are lazy! Let’s offer them the opportunity to seek dignity by picking up the cans and bottles people so thoughtfully and carefully leave behind in parks and on the streets.

Foreign policy:

Make a trade pact with Lichtenstein. This will add virtually nothing to our gross domestic product, but who cares? We’ll make lots of new friends. About 37,000 people live in Lichtenstein. Think of the possibilities!

Challenge Vladimir Putin to a wrestling match. We’ll send our most vicious wrestler to grapple with Pootie. It will be Vlad the Impaler versus the Grave Digger! The winner gets to keep Ukraine.

Appoint Kim Kardashian to become ambassador to North Korea. We’ll send her across the ocean on a giant rubber duckie. Never mind that we don’t actually have diplomatic relations with North Korea. Kim Jong-un will adore having Ms. Kardashian around. And what dictator doesn’t love a rubber duckie in the bathtub?

Finally, send all Iranian nuclear scientists to Pluto.

That’s my platform. I hope you love it as much as I do. Onward and upward America, with spaghetti and meatball dinners for all!

Mike Gold lives and works in the Bronx. 

Bronx, Lichtenstein, Vladimir Putin, Kim Kardashian, North Korea, Kim Jong-un, Pluto, America

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