What you should do with a gun

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Superman.  I wanted to have that kind of power, like a lot of other boys. In my mind, I wanted to use this power to help people.  But I also knew if I was Superman, other boys couldn’t mess with me. 

I’m guessing that people who own guns want to feel some of that power. The only problem is that these people don’t fly around with a big red “S” on their chest and they don’t necessarily have the morality of a Boy or Girl Scout in good standing with their troop. 

One prominent early theme for Superman stated that he was “Champion of the Oppressed. The physical marvel who had sworn to devote his existence to those in need!”(Source: Action Comics, June 1, 1938)

People who are not Superman, yet own a gun can do a lot with it. They can end your life. They have the power of a god.  

I wonder if Adam Lanza felt that way when he killed 20 little children and six adults at the Sandy Hook School in Connecticut using an AR-15 (also known as a Bushmaster .223 semi-automatic rifle). (Source: Connecticut State Police). 

I

 started thinking about all this when I saw a woman recently walking on Independence Avenue by the Whitehall Building.  As she walked by me, I noticed she was wearing an interesting T-shirt.  It stated, “AR-15 — Assh---e Remover.” You can easily buy this trendy and fashionable top (and other equally lovely AR-15 tees) on the Internet in about two minutes, all credit cards accepted.

This woman was wearing this T-shirt across the street from the Spuyten Duyvil library and our beautiful little elementary school — P.S. 24. 

I guess, according to the woman wearing the “Assh---e Remover” shirt that the 20 children and six adults who were killed at Sandy Hook were assh---es.  And I suppose this woman is a good judge of who is an assh---e, because she was wearing that very smart and tasteful T-shirt. 

If this woman knows an AR-15 is a powerful semi-automatic weapon that can spit bullets out faster than someone can string together a single sentence, she probably knows what a boy did with that gun once at the Sandy Hook school.  I wonder if she feels that she is standing up for justice, standing up for the right of people to own and carry an AR-15.  Surely, she feels this is a just cause.

So, dear young lady with the AR-15 T-shirt, here’s some unwanted advice from someone you probably consider an assh---e.  If you want to see what the problem is with the right to own an AR-15, then do yourself and me a favor and look in the mirror.

As you look in the mirror, ask yourself,“Am I a superhero?  Am I a Boy Scout or Girl Scout? Should I be able to carry around an AR-15?”

A

 gun is power. If you own a gun, you have power over other people. A man pointing a gun at somebody else can often get a person to hand over their cell phone, wallet, or car. They can make someone lie down on the floor. They can ransack a house.  They can rape.  

While I would still like to be Superman (don’t tell my wife!), I realize this aspiration is somewhat out of reach. 

So, I sometimes find myself focusing on another type of hero. His name is Groucho Marx. In the 1931 movie, “Monkey Business,” Groucho and his brother Zeppo are hired as bodyguards on an ocean liner and given handguns to protect a gangster from another gangster’s goons (Chico and Harpo). The head gangster gives Groucho and Zeppo their orders, then briskly walks away. Groucho and Zeppo run around a corner of the ship, see a bucket filled with soap and water standing on the deck, drop their guns in the bucket, then dash off. Groucho knew exactly the right thing to do with a gun.  

So, woman who passed me by wearing the T-shirt saying “AR-15 — Assh---e Remover,” you shouldn’t get to choose who will die from that or any other gun. What you should do is leave the T-shirt and AR-15 at home.  Permanently. 

Then, I order you to watch “Monkey Business” and see what people should do with their guns. 

Mike Gold lives and works in the Bronx.