I’m Donald Trump, and I’ve been running for re-election since the day I got elected.
Who cares about running the country when you can spend your time lying to rabid crowds and baiting the liberals like you’re an announcer for World Wrestling Entertainment?
Besides, I have all the best people to run the country for me, doing great things like destroying the environment as quickly as possible, killing the Constitution, hurting poor people’s ability to eat and find shelter, and giving my rich friends huge tax breaks.
Running for President of the United States is a task of the utmost seriousness. Candidates should not chase after wild-eyed and unrealistic ideas as if they are lottery tickets, which is what the crazed and traitorous Democrats are doing.
My re-election campaign will be based on solid, scientific ideas in order to move the country forward into complete awfulness.
First, let’s talk about poverty. Poor people often say they’re hungry (which I believe is really a hoax because you can’t trust poor people, ever — they’ll always find a way to cheat you). My solution? They don’t need food stamps. Let them eat plastic. It’s cheap, it doesn’t require sunlight, fertilizer or water, and there’s plenty of it.
Just let the poor grab a bag or bottle, and they can start chewing.
Health care: Eat chocolate. Lots of it. You’ll feel great! Also, sit on the couch all the time and watch television shows like “The Real Housewives of Moscow.” The government will hold a competition to see who can win the award for the longest time spent on the couch, called “Nights of the Sitting Dead.”
Oh, wait a second. We already do that. Never mind.
Crime: If you’re Hispanic, African American, Asian, Muslim or Jewish and commit a crime — no matter how minor — we’ll deport you to Hell immediately, for eternity. Once there, you’ll be forced to watch me on Fox News constantly, as I myself do. That will straighten your mind out.
If you’re white and commit a crime, no matter how terrible, you must wrap a savagely long piece of wet spaghetti around your head and hop on you left foot for 15 minutes while singing songs from the Broadway show “Cats” in Russian. If you commit another crime after that, you have to watch dogs chew bubble gum.
National borders: Build a giant plastic dome over the continental United States. This will ensure that no one gets in or out. Except if you’re Hispanic, African American, Asian, Muslim or Jewish. Then you can leave anytime. In fact, we’ll pay you to leave, with a giant hunk of exclusive, specially aged luxury plastic from Mar-a-Lago’s basement.
The dome will be completely air-conditioned. We will solve our border problem as well as unemployment and climate change (even though it’s a hoax), all at the same time.
We’ll give Alaska back to the Russians, for free, for all those loans they gave me when I was in bad financial shape (which was not too long ago, but that’s a secret). Plus, I need to pay them back for helping me win in 2016.
Hawaii votes Democratic, so they’re out. Puerto Rico — especially Puerto Rico — will be on its own.
National debt: Sell the planet Neptune to China for the price of all the debt we owe them. (For the record, it’s $1.1 trillion, as of last October.) We’ll wipe out more than one-quarter of our foreign debt in an instant.
Environment: Read the Bible to plants and trees. All that stuff about being charitable to the poor and loving your neighbor? Boring! The plants and trees will soon get tired of hearing what Jesus said, and move somewhere else.
Loneliness: Just watch me on television. I’m the best friend you’ll ever have. Except if you’re Hispanic, African American, Muslim or Jewish.
Foreign relations: Declare war on Antarctica. Those penguins have done nothing for us. They don’t buy our cars, natural gas or Pelotons. They need to learn who’s boss.
Last, and this is a really big idea so hold on for it: Rename the country the Russian States of America. Vladimir Putin will be very appreciative. And we want to make him extremely happy, right? Because he is the most amazing person in the world. He can kill anyone who disagrees with him. He also looks good riding half-naked on a horse.
This is my campaign, and here’s my motto: Make America awful again!